Listening at the heart of collaboration and a coaching approach

At the heart of good interpersonal skills and successful collaboration is listening—Being present while listening. In all of our coaching sessions, interaction situations always arise in some form: skill of being present, encountering another individual truly as a person, active listening—and the experience of being heard and seen, which is so necessary for the other.

Why is listening so difficult?

We already have the tools for listening from birth, as long as we are not deaf. There is no on-off button for them, so our ears are always ’open’. Can we even avoid listening? At this point, I hear a small chuckle. Yes, indeed, we manage to close our ears and focus on ourselves instead of the other person. We can choose not to listen, and especially not to hear what is being said to us or what is happening around us. This may not happen consciously, and that’s why it’s an important topic to pause and reflect on. 

Here’s two examples from real life

A conversation between Kimmo and Anni. 

In a one-on-one conversation last week with her manager Kimmo, expert Anne was thinking about bringing up her request for additional training. However, Kimmo kept glancing at his phone throughout the half-hour conversation and seemed to be in a hurry. Occasionally, he told Anne that he would quickly reply to a short message and then continue. Anne’s sentence and train of thought were interrupted, and when it was time to continue, she couldn’t remember what she had been talking about. When this happened a few times, Anne thought, “Whatever. Never mind!” She returned to her desk feeling discouraged. The conversation left Anne with a feeling of being overlooked, and her motivation dropped significantly. 

Emmi and Petteri in a team meeting 

We were having a team meeting. Manager Emmi had given a presentation on the progress of the fall kickoff planning. Each person took turns sharing their thoughts on the plans. When it was expert Petteri’s turn, he looked up from his laptop and asked what the topic and question were again. Emmi’s expression clearly showed her irritation. She had thoroughly prepared for the meeting and now had to repeat everything. Other participants were also frustrated. Once again, time was wasted because Petteri wasn’t present and didn’t seem to care about the shared topic. 

Did these examples feel familiar? Have you had similar experiences yourself? How did these situations affect you? 

Pitfalls of listening

In good dialogue, we engage as equals with open minds. Any form of command, preaching, lecturing, blaming, evading, changing the subject, giving ready-made answers and advice, criticizing and judging, know-it-all behavior, generalizing, and pitying all weaken the conversation, good listening, and hearing the other person. 

Strong emotions also weaken listening and hearing— they take away from being present. 

What kind of listener do you think you are?

1. Me, myself and I
   Are you focused on your own thoughts, perhaps even on what you’re doing? To be precise, you’re not really listening. If there were a mirror in front of you, you’d see that you’re not even physically facing the other person but have turned away. You’re hiding behind your laptop or phone, absorbed in your own things. You’re deaf to others.

2. Impatient
   You are part of the conversation, but because your mind is occupied with your own views that you want to share, you’re not really listening to the other person. You impatiently wait for your turn to express your opinion or respond. And when you’re not truly listening, you can’t build on what the other person is saying.

3. Critic
   You listen to the other person, but your way of listening is to point out mistakes and shortcomings in their suggestions and views. As a result, the interaction doesn’t become enriching or constructive.

4. Learner
   You listen with the focus of gathering more information and learning, identifying interesting points in the other person’s speech that you can use to your advantage and add to your existing knowledge and skills. The topic is interesting, but not the person speaking.

5. Respectful listener
   You are present in the situation and fully focused on the other person. You listen actively and empathetically, with the goal of understanding the other. You communicate this through small nods and sounds of acknowledgment. You strive to avoid making interpretations or assumptions, and you ask open, clarifying, and insightful questions when needed. 

Did you recognize yourself in any of these styles?
Of course, your style may vary in different situations and with different people. It’s important to become aware of your own style and consider whether it promotes good interaction and dialogue— and, through that, shared thinking, collective learning, and problem-solving. 

Self-awareness and listening to your own thoughts also strengthen interaction skills. Reflect on the kinds of feelings you evoke in others. What does the way someone else listens make you feel? How do you respond to what the other person shares? How do you maintain a positive atmosphere? 

7 tips to improve listening skills

1. Be consciously present. Stop yourself, focus, and make eye contact with the other person.
2. Check your attitude at the outset, let go of preconceived notions, and decide that you want to hear and understand the other person. 
3. Express with eye contact, gestures, facial expressions, and brief verbal cues that you are listening to the other person. 
4. Wait for your turn, don’t interrupt. 
5. Build on what the other person is saying, don’t just immediately share your own experiences. 
6. Encourage and motivate the other person to share more by asking open, insightful questions. 
7. You can also repeat what the other person has said and check that you have understood correctly. 

When we can be relaxed and genuinely present, and the atmosphere is trusting and safe, we enable equal participation, taking turns speaking calmly, and focusing on listening when the other person speaks. Present, active listening creates a foundation for good dialogue. An interaction is not a competition— in good dialogue, everyone wins. 

The Coaching-based Skills online training is also a great and effective tool to strengthen interpersonal skills, smooth collaboration within teams and work communities, as well as trust and psychological safety. The Coaching-based Skills online training can be used to support both individual and team development.